It has been a long hiatus, but there’s something about having a new baby that makes your mind ponder and you find yourself thinking new thoughts with new perspective on life and family. I recently gave birth to a baby girl, this being our third (and last) biological child, if you catch my drift. Having two boys have been fun, tiresome, challenging and wonderful, but I get the feeling that these emotions will be exacerbated with having a daughter. Perhaps it was because this pregnancy has been the most difficult one, but the fruit of my labor (some pun intended) is this most amazing and beautiful life that eats, sleeps and poops non-stop. I love this tiny life so much, and thank God even at 4 o’clock in the morning, in my sleep-deprived, half-awake state. And because I love her, and my boys and my husband so deeply, it’s so easy to find myself drawing inward to provide, protect and pursue my family and give them my best. But, I think this can be a dangerous thing. Day in and day out, I am immersed with diaper changing, pumping, all the while trying to recover from a c-section, and I forget that time is passing by and the world is moving on. As I watch my children grow, I want them to see their mom, not just as a provider and nurturer but as a person who seeks to continue to grow. So how do I become the mom I so desperately want them to see as a growing and thriving individual who they desire to emulate? First, I think it starts with my new realized notion on love. Love is not a feeling in your gut that makes you involuntarily smile, or warms your heart, or even that which enables you to wake up in the middle of the night to feed and change your little darling’s diapers without too much grumpiness. But, I believe love is that drive that makes you want to be a better person. You want to make the world a better place for your loves, to be that one more positive influence and role model in the world, despite the fact that it would be far more comfortable to just coast on with life. This will mean that I need to get over myself, draw outward, learn and be a blessing unto people out there, not just under my roof, which I realize will not come naturally or easy. But I want to do this. I have to do this. I WILL do this. I may never be a Super Woman, but I will do more today than yesterday and hope to make the world a better place tomorrow than it is today. Because I love you. And because you made this world a better place for me today than it was yesterday.
Wow, it’s been so long since I made my last post. It’s been one crazy, busy, unbelievable year! Let’s recap. Starting from last August, we moved into an apartment to do an apartment ministry. Then, in September, Jason had his septoplasty and shortly thereafter, Caden was born. After about five months later, we found out that I was pregnant with our second child. We needed more room, so this past August, we stopped doing the apartment ministry and moved back into our townhouse. Then, I started having early contractions and pain and was admitted to the hospital and was put on bed rest. And this day happened to be the day Jason scheduled to have his LASIK surgery, which thankfully, he was able to reschedule. After a week of staying in the hospital, my contractions were under control, but the day before I was going to be discharged, Landon decided it was time, I went into a fast and furious labor (that is a whole another post in itself), and he was born! He came eight weeks premature, so he has to stay in the NICU for approximately 4 weeks. I had to miss my nephew Dylan’s dol (first birthday) due to being in the hospital. And today, Jason is getting his LASIK procedure done. Next week is Caden’s dol, so some preparations have to be made, and Landon should be home soon after that. phew~ Is it even possible to experience any more events in just one year? I suppose it is, but as my sister-in-law put it, my life has radically changed in just one year!
Looking back, so much has happened, enough to make my head spin, but I realize that all of those events were a blessing! To receive not one, but two, gifts of life, to be able to have a bigger living space, and to have the luxury to have those elective surgeries for Jason, are all positive events. So, despite the craziness, I am very thankful for this past year. I just have to take a breather and be prepared for this coming year, as I’m sure it will be just as crazy, if not more, raising two little boys!
A year ago today, we got to hear Caden’s heartbeat for the very first time. It’s a special moment in and of itself, but for us, it was all the more special and amazing because God took us through a crazy journey. Two Christmases ago, we were in our adoption process and were matched with a little girl on that Christmas eve. Little did we know that we had already conceived and Caden was growing in my tummy.
To make the long story short, we had to defend our desire and reason to adopt to our families who held on to the Asian culture’s negative stigma of adoption. I went through many arguments with my family and shed a lot of tears, and that was definitely not easy. It took a lot of courage to obey God’s calling in our lives. Not knowing what would happen with our families, and as scared as I was, we took a huge leap of faith and made the decision to inform our adoption agency that we would move forward in our adoption process. But the very next day, we would find out that we were pregnant with Caden!
Hearing his heartbeat was an incredible feeling and it was an undeniable answered prayer from God. He allowed us to go through that journey but not without showing us His faithfulness. His heartbeat was, in essence, God’s promise of the things to come. I think that’s why it was all the more beautiful. And now, we see the fruit of that promise, and it is truly wonderful!
After several years of talking about doing this, we finally created a photo Christmas card! I’d like to say that I got on the ball this year, but it’s only because of Caden that we created one, AND did it in time too! I wanted to share our special joy of this year with our friends and family, especially with those that haven’t had the chance to meet him yet. I want everyone to know him and meet him and love him. It’s funny, I think. I mean, Caden can’t do much yet except smile, but I’m already so proud of him. I guess that’s the heart of a mom. But I wonder, in the busyness of taking care of a baby, have I been too caught up with him and neglecting the reason for the season? Have I hoped that people will celebrate and rejoice the birth of Jesus even more than wanting people to celebrate the birth of my child? I repent…
So, as I prepare to send the cards out, I reflect on how all the more thankful I am this Christmas season. And not just for Caden’s life, or mine, but the gift of eternal life. It is just that. A gift. It is wondrous. Praise to the giver of every good gift.
As I was eating dinner by myself tonight (Jason was at church), I was thinking that I dislike eating by myself.
Have you heard of those people that go watch movies by themselves? Are you one of those people? Well, I am not one of those people. I can’t imagine going to the movies by myself. As a matter of fact, I hate doing most things alone (with the exception of going to Target). What’s the fun in that? I like to do things with people and I like sharing moments with others. If you do something enjoyable, I want to be able to share it with others. Take my relationship with my sister Sora for example. We have so many inside jokes, no matter how old or how lame they are. I love this about our relationship, and I don’t have with may others. I like remembering things and reminiscing with someone. I think this is because I’m such a relational being. This is a rather contradictory phenomenon because I consider myself to be a very self-reliant person. I almost have a need to do things, or be with, someone. I suppose from a negative perspective, I might have codependency issues. From a positive perspective, I’m relational. I choose to be optimistic. This time, at least