Awakening

I don’t know when it began. I imagine it must’ve started shortly after I became a mom. I loved being a mom, nurturing and providing for a life that was completely and utterly dependent on me. It was hard, but it was rewarding. I felt blessed to have a child to call my own. But slowly, without me knowing it, the days and the weeks and the months began to blend together, and I didn’t really see the end. Everyday, or pretty much everyday began to look and feel the same. The duties of mom were tireless and endless. I started to look forward to the days when my child would be older (and less dependent), and my life would look different.

Then, another child came along. My second son was born almost 8 weeks premature, and he stayed in the NICU for almost as long. I was grateful that he had “caught up” to his age and healthy, and I dove into mothering, again tired, but determined. And then, after two and a half years, another child, this time a daughter, was born to us. I loved being a mom to a little precious girl. She was more beautiful than I could have imagined. My heart was full. But, something was amiss.

I think this was almost 4 years, or perhaps longer, in the making. I am a blessed and busy wife and mother of three. But somewhere, in the midst of all this hectic life of feeding, diaper changing and middle of the night wakings, life became dormant. Or rather, I became dormant. It was hard to see beyond the diaper changes, even as I, all too frequently, looked beyond those days.

But tonight, as I dared to finally fold and put away the clean laundry that’s been sitting in the laundry basket for weeks with some music playing in the background, I felt something stir within me. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt awakened to the realization that I might have been sleeping my days away (not literally, because moms of newborns rarely get much sleep). Life was passing me by. And maybe, it’s because I believed that life sets a certain course of trajectory, and you follow it, such as being a wife, then being a mom, but I might have accepted this all too plainly and without any intentionality. I want this to stop. I need this to stop. I want to dream and dare and achieve, and ultimately make a difference. And maybe in my tired delirium I just got too worked up by a song, and life will try to suck me back into the drudgery of a stay-at-home-mom. But I don’t want this feeling and thought of awakening to end tonight when I close my eyes. I will try, no I will be different tomorrow.

So stay tuned.

Posted in Emotions, Life | Leave a comment

Another new baby, another new thought

It has been a long hiatus, but there’s something about having a new baby that makes your mind ponder and you find yourself thinking new thoughts with new perspective on life and family. I recently gave birth to a baby girl, this being our third (and last) biological child, if you catch my drift. Having two boys have been fun, tiresome, challenging and wonderful, but I get the feeling that these emotions will be exacerbated with having a daughter. Perhaps it was because this pregnancy has been the most difficult one, but the fruit of my labor (some pun intended) is this most amazing and beautiful life that eats, sleeps and poops non-stop. I love this tiny life so much, and thank God even at 4 o’clock in the morning, in my sleep-deprived, half-awake state. And because I love her, and my boys and my husband so deeply, it’s so easy to find myself drawing inward to provide, protect and pursue my family and give them my best. But, I think this can be a dangerous thing. Day in and day out, I am immersed with diaper changing, pumping, all the while trying to recover from a c-section, and I forget that time is passing by and the world is moving on. As I watch my children grow, I want them to see their mom, not just as a provider and nurturer but as a person who seeks to continue to grow. So how do I become the mom I so desperately want them to see as a growing and thriving individual who they desire to emulate? First, I think it starts with my new realized notion on love. Love is not a feeling in your gut that makes you involuntarily smile, or warms your heart, or even that which enables you to wake up in the middle of the night to feed and change your little darling’s diapers without too much grumpiness. But, I believe love is that drive that makes you want to be a better person. You want to make the world a better place for your loves, to be that one more positive influence and role model in the world, despite the fact that it would be far more comfortable to just coast on with life. This will mean that I need to get over myself, draw outward, learn and be a blessing unto people out there, not just under my roof, which I realize will not come naturally or easy. But I want to do this. I have to do this. I WILL do this. I may never be a Super Woman, but I will do more today than yesterday and hope to make the world a better place tomorrow than it is today. Because I love you. And because you made this world a better place for me today than it was yesterday.

Posted in Family, Life | Leave a comment

One Crazy Year

Wow, it’s been so long since I made my last post. It’s been one crazy, busy, unbelievable year! Let’s recap. Starting from last August, we moved into an apartment to do an apartment ministry. Then, in September, Jason had his septoplasty and shortly thereafter, Caden was born. After about five months later, we found out that I was pregnant with our second child. We needed more room, so this past August, we stopped doing the apartment ministry and moved back into our townhouse. Then, I started having early contractions and pain and was admitted to the hospital and was put on bed rest. And this day happened to be the day Jason scheduled to have his LASIK surgery, which thankfully, he was able to reschedule. After a week of staying in the hospital, my contractions were under control, but the day before I was going to be discharged, Landon decided it was time, I went into a fast and furious labor (that is a whole another post in itself), and he was born! He came eight weeks premature, so he has to stay in the NICU for approximately 4 weeks. I had to miss my nephew Dylan’s dol (first birthday) due to being in the hospital. And today, Jason is getting his LASIK procedure done. Next week is Caden’s dol, so some preparations have to be made, and Landon should be home soon after that. phew~ Is it even possible to experience any more events in just one year? I suppose it is, but as my sister-in-law put it, my life has radically changed in just one year!

Looking back, so much has happened, enough to make my head spin, but I realize that all of those events were a blessing! To receive not one, but two, gifts of life, to be able to have a bigger living space, and to have the luxury to have those elective surgeries for Jason, are all positive events. So, despite the craziness, I am very thankful for this past year. I just have to take a breather and be prepared for this coming year, as I’m sure it will be just as crazy, if not more, raising two little boys!

Posted in Family, Life | 3 Comments

Promise of a Heartbeat

A year ago today, we got to hear Caden’s heartbeat for the very first time. It’s a special moment in and of itself, but for us, it was all the more special and amazing because God took us through a crazy journey. Two Christmases ago, we were in our adoption process and were matched with a little girl on that Christmas eve. Little did we know that we had already conceived and Caden was growing in my tummy.

To make the long story short, we had to defend our desire and reason to adopt to our families who held on to the Asian culture’s negative stigma of adoption. I went through many arguments with my family and shed a lot of tears, and that was definitely not easy. It took a lot of courage to obey God’s calling in our lives. Not knowing what would happen with our families, and as scared as I was, we took a huge leap of faith and made the decision to inform our adoption agency that we would move forward in our adoption process. But the very next day, we would find out that we were pregnant with Caden!

Hearing his heartbeat was an incredible feeling and it was an undeniable answered prayer from God. He allowed us to go through that journey but not without showing us His faithfulness. His heartbeat was, in essence, God’s promise of the things to come. I think that’s why it was all the more beautiful. And now, we see the fruit of that promise, and it is truly wonderful!

Posted in Adoption, Faith, Family | Leave a comment

Christmas Cards

After several years of talking about doing this, we finally created a photo Christmas card! I’d like to say that I got on the ball this year, but it’s only because of Caden that we created one, AND did it in time too! I wanted to share our special joy of this year with our friends and family, especially with those that haven’t had the chance to meet him yet. I want everyone to know him and meet him and love him. It’s funny, I think. I mean, Caden can’t do much yet except smile, but I’m already so proud of him. I guess that’s the heart of a mom. But I wonder, in the busyness of taking care of a baby, have I been too caught up with him and neglecting the reason for the season? Have I hoped that people will celebrate and rejoice the birth of Jesus even more than wanting people to celebrate the birth of my child? I repent…

So, as I prepare to send the cards out, I reflect on how all the more thankful I am this Christmas season. And not just for Caden’s life, or mine, but the gift of eternal life. It is just that. A gift. It is wondrous. Praise to the giver of every good gift.

Posted in Faith | 1 Comment

Alone

As I was eating dinner by myself tonight (Jason was at church), I was thinking that I dislike eating by myself.

Have you heard of those people that go watch movies by themselves? Are you one of those people? Well, I am not one of those people. I can’t imagine going to the movies by myself. As a matter of fact, I hate doing most things alone (with the exception of going to Target). What’s the fun in that? I like to do things with people and I like sharing moments with others. If you do something enjoyable, I want to be able to share it with others. Take my relationship with my sister Sora for example. We have so many inside jokes, no matter how old or how lame they are. I love this about our relationship, and I don’t have with may others. I like remembering things and reminiscing with someone. I think this is because I’m such a relational being. This is a rather contradictory phenomenon because I consider myself to be a very self-reliant person. I almost have a need to do things, or be with, someone. I suppose from a negative perspective, I might have codependency issues. From a positive perspective, I’m relational. I choose to be optimistic. This time, at least :)

Posted in Random | 1 Comment

loves of my life

the loves of my life. thank you for being mine. thank you for existing. I pray that you will be as happy as you’ve made me.

Posted in Family | Leave a comment

Jewel Undercover

Jewel goes undercover (at a karaoke bar, that is)!

She connects with Funny or Die (a comedy video website) and decides to go undercover at a karaoke bar in LA. She disguises herself as a shy, boring business woman, egged on by her “colleagues”, and eventually by the crowd, to sing. She reluctantly takes the stage and starts singing her own songs. The crowd is obviously impressed with her voice since she sounds just like Jewel but they have no idea that it’s really her!

Check out the look on one of the crowd’s face about 4 minutes into the video. It’s priceless!

Posted in Fun | 1 Comment