Category Archives: Life

Awakening

I don’t know when it began. I imagine it must’ve started shortly after I became a mom. I loved being a mom, nurturing and providing for a life that was completely and utterly dependent on me. It was hard, but it was rewarding. I felt blessed to have a child to call my own. But slowly, without me knowing it, the days and the weeks and the months began to blend together, and I didn’t really see the end. Everyday, or pretty much everyday began to look and feel the same. The duties of mom were tireless and endless. I started to look forward to the days when my child would be older (and less dependent), and my life would look different.

Then, another child came along. My second son was born almost 8 weeks premature, and he stayed in the NICU for almost as long. I was grateful that he had “caught up” to his age and healthy, and I dove into mothering, again tired, but determined. And then, after two and a half years, another child, this time a daughter, was born to us. I loved being a mom to a little precious girl. She was more beautiful than I could have imagined. My heart was full. But, something was amiss.

I think this was almost 4 years, or perhaps longer, in the making. I am a blessed and busy wife and mother of three. But somewhere, in the midst of all this hectic life of feeding, diaper changing and middle of the night wakings, life became dormant. Or rather, I became dormant. It was hard to see beyond the diaper changes, even as I, all too frequently, looked beyond those days.

But tonight, as I dared to finally fold and put away the clean laundry that’s been sitting in the laundry basket for weeks with some music playing in the background, I felt something stir within me. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt awakened to the realization that I might have been sleeping my days away (not literally, because moms of newborns rarely get much sleep). Life was passing me by. And maybe, it’s because I believed that life sets a certain course of trajectory, and you follow it, such as being a wife, then being a mom, but I might have accepted this all too plainly and without any intentionality. I want this to stop. I need this to stop. I want to dream and dare and achieve, and ultimately make a difference. And maybe in my tired delirium I just got too worked up by a song, and life will try to suck me back into the drudgery of a stay-at-home-mom. But I don’t want this feeling and thought of awakening to end tonight when I close my eyes. I will try, no I will be different tomorrow.

So stay tuned.

Another new baby, another new thought

It has been a long hiatus, but there’s something about having a new baby that makes your mind ponder and you find yourself thinking new thoughts with new perspective on life and family. I recently gave birth to a baby girl, this being our third (and last) biological child, if you catch my drift. Having two boys have been fun, tiresome, challenging and wonderful, but I get the feeling that these emotions will be exacerbated with having a daughter. Perhaps it was because this pregnancy has been the most difficult one, but the fruit of my labor (some pun intended) is this most amazing and beautiful life that eats, sleeps and poops non-stop. I love this tiny life so much, and thank God even at 4 o’clock in the morning, in my sleep-deprived, half-awake state. And because I love her, and my boys and my husband so deeply, it’s so easy to find myself drawing inward to provide, protect and pursue my family and give them my best. But, I think this can be a dangerous thing. Day in and day out, I am immersed with diaper changing, pumping, all the while trying to recover from a c-section, and I forget that time is passing by and the world is moving on. As I watch my children grow, I want them to see their mom, not just as a provider and nurturer but as a person who seeks to continue to grow. So how do I become the mom I so desperately want them to see as a growing and thriving individual who they desire to emulate? First, I think it starts with my new realized notion on love. Love is not a feeling in your gut that makes you involuntarily smile, or warms your heart, or even that which enables you to wake up in the middle of the night to feed and change your little darling’s diapers without too much grumpiness. But, I believe love is that drive that makes you want to be a better person. You want to make the world a better place for your loves, to be that one more positive influence and role model in the world, despite the fact that it would be far more comfortable to just coast on with life. This will mean that I need to get over myself, draw outward, learn and be a blessing unto people out there, not just under my roof, which I realize will not come naturally or easy. But I want to do this. I have to do this. I WILL do this. I may never be a Super Woman, but I will do more today than yesterday and hope to make the world a better place tomorrow than it is today. Because I love you. And because you made this world a better place for me today than it was yesterday.

One Crazy Year

Wow, it’s been so long since I made my last post. It’s been one crazy, busy, unbelievable year! Let’s recap. Starting from last August, we moved into an apartment to do an apartment ministry. Then, in September, Jason had his septoplasty and shortly thereafter, Caden was born. After about five months later, we found out that I was pregnant with our second child. We needed more room, so this past August, we stopped doing the apartment ministry and moved back into our townhouse. Then, I started having early contractions and pain and was admitted to the hospital and was put on bed rest. And this day happened to be the day Jason scheduled to have his LASIK surgery, which thankfully, he was able to reschedule. After a week of staying in the hospital, my contractions were under control, but the day before I was going to be discharged, Landon decided it was time, I went into a fast and furious labor (that is a whole another post in itself), and he was born! He came eight weeks premature, so he has to stay in the NICU for approximately 4 weeks. I had to miss my nephew Dylan’s dol (first birthday) due to being in the hospital. And today, Jason is getting his LASIK procedure done. Next week is Caden’s dol, so some preparations have to be made, and Landon should be home soon after that. phew~ Is it even possible to experience any more events in just one year? I suppose it is, but as my sister-in-law put it, my life has radically changed in just one year!

Looking back, so much has happened, enough to make my head spin, but I realize that all of those events were a blessing! To receive not one, but two, gifts of life, to be able to have a bigger living space, and to have the luxury to have those elective surgeries for Jason, are all positive events. So, despite the craziness, I am very thankful for this past year. I just have to take a breather and be prepared for this coming year, as I’m sure it will be just as crazy, if not more, raising two little boys!

mommy blogger

Someone told me today that once you have children, you always want to be with them, even if you are the working type. So, I wondered if I would want to stay home with my child and not work, and if that was the case, I wondered what I’d be doing when I have kids. I found myself imagining that I would be a mommy blogger. Not a mommy who writes solely about their kids, but a mommy who blogs about the ups and downs and the simply funny or wonderful or ridiculous things about life and God. I envisioned myself spending the day with my kids and I would magically have some peace and quiet to think and jot my thoughts or post something hilarious. I know that sounds totally silly, but, it’s my daydream, and I can dream if I want to.

What are those small details that you imagine your future to be like?